Carol asks…
My boyfriend is a registered sex offender and he is moving in with me. I need advice.?
My boyfriend is a registered sex offender.
We have known each other for 16 years and been together in a relationship for 1 year, long distance.
When he was in his early 20′s he paid to subscribe to a website which was advertised through an unsolicited email. He joined for one month and looked at images of what appeared to be young women in there late teens / early 20′s. He part downloaded a video and realised that the person on it was clearly underage, unsubscribed from the website and that was the last he heard of it.
Two years later he was arrested as the website had been closed down and all people who had paid to subscribe were arrested. He was initially informed that he would probably have only a caution due to the circumstances. Images from the website were in the Computer Cache (all thumbnails from every page he viewed, around 1000 images). They weren’t “Saved” to a folder, only in the Cache. The unsolicited email couldn’t be found as the case was investigated 3 years later.
He doesn’t find young people sexually attractive, has never attempted to meet with a child etc… and finds the whole concept repulsive.
The case was referred to the Crown Court and as images were on his computer and he paid to use the site and the initially unsolicited email couldn’t be found, he had to plead guilty and was issued with a two year suspended sentence and 7 years on the sex offenders register. He is now one year into the two year suspended sentence and is planning to move in with me the other side of the country in a matter of weeks.
The problem is that cases like this aren’t black and white. There are clearly varying degrees and although he pleaded guilty to the charge of the having the images on his computer, he didn’t deliberately seek out indecent images.
We have discussed this in immense detail and I believe what he is telling me. What he has told me is also supported by documents from the Police, Crown Court and his Solicitor.
The police came to see me the other day in lieu of him moving down to find out how we knew each other, why he was moving here etc… We want a fresh start, an end to our long distance relationship.
The problem is that I am a freelance musician and music teacher. I teach at my home address in a set aside teaching room, one on one with students (who are all ages, including under the age of 18). Parents sometimes sit in lessons, but mostly they are dropped off and collected by parents after 30 minutes or 1 hour.
I was advised by the Police that if I continued to teach children under the age of 18 in my house, they would have to inform parents about my boyfriend being a registered sex offender. I’m not sure what to do as should this happen, I would lose my good reputation as a well known music teacher in my local community, which is a small community. And this would undoubtedly cause discrimination towards us as a couple.
I don’t think parents would need to be informed if I visited them at their homes but I can’t afford to visit parents at their houses as the time and long distances involved make it impossible. To hire a venue to teach in would also be complicated financially and take more than 50% of my income.
The police also said he wouldn’t be able to come to gigs with me as their might be children present (I perform at weddings and he is my sound engineer). This seems odd as when I’m performing at a private venue, there is no opportunity to liaise with anyone at all, and he wouldn’t have any desire to but I do understand that precautions need to be made.
He hasn’t actually been banned from working near or with children and his probation officer where he currently lives is aware that he does gigs himself (he is a musician too) and children are present. He doesn’t have any other restrictions. He has however been advised to not work with children in the incident that someone who knows that he was charged might falsely accuse him of something.
He clearly made a mistake and regrets it immensely. The parole officers see his case as being a bit of a waste of time, in that he isn’t a pedophile and was simply in idiot in subscribing to this site initially. But, the minute people here the term “sex offender”, a barrier is crossed and it’s hard to explain any situation properly.
I do know that the aim of probation is to let my boyfriend lead as normal and uninterrupted a life as possible but it seems that my life and routine will be vastly affected in him living with me.
I talked to a friend about this and she advised that I not work with children at all as I might be seen as guilty by association if parents were informed. I was also advised that even if I’m not working with children in my home, I shouldn’t work with them either. She suggested I end the relationship because it was a lot to take on for me.
I know I should probably gain some legal advice and find out what my rights are as his partner.
I also know that I wouldn’t b
I also know I wouldn’t be happy without him. We have a long history and I love him very much.
Sue answers:
It’s a difficult one isn’t it? When i first started to read your question my first thought was, he’s just saying he didn’t know about the site being underage. But as you said, you have done your homework and spoke to the authorities around him. My gut feeling, is i believe him too and feel he would have got a much worse sentence if there was more to it. The thing to remember, is when we are stuck in a dilemma, we think there is no alternative, but usually there is somewhere. I understand your problem with the music teaching, as a friend of mine used to teach music from home like you, and i know how difficult and expensive it can be to teach elsewhere, as not every pupil will have a piano etc. In their home. First thing i would do, is go to the Citizens Advice and ask them where you stand, or alternatively, get some legal advice from a solicitor, you can usually get an hours free consultation with some of them. Could it be possible, that when you have an underage pupil round, that your boyfriend could go out somewhere, and when they have gone you could ring him and he could come back? I think there’s got to be a loophole somewhere, that you can live your life as before, and still have your boyfriend with you. If necessary, tell the police when a pupils coming round and they can witness your boyfriend leaving the house. I know it’s not ideal, but it won’t be forever. You have known him a long time and it’s not as though he’s a stranger you have just met. So if things are difficult to start with, just grit your teeth and get on with it, if you believe he’s worth it.
Nancy asks…
what is the best sports/family car you can buy, my gf is older than me, she has kids, i want a sports car tho?
guy’s, do you find that women in their 30′s are better/more easy to date, i have no luck in my 20′s, with girls my own own age, i am approaching 30 myself, my current gf has two kids, a boy and a girl, the only thing that worries me is this, i may have to settle for a quite life if things do work out, i am not reli well travelled, yeah i would like to travel, but maybe exotic holidays are out of the questions, also, who would say that women in 30′s are more fun, than the younger generation
anyone got any relationship advice for me, as regards, my gf’s kid’s, they are a bit of a hand full, i am not used to having kid’s, i do like kids tho
i know there are several questions in here
Sue answers:
Buy what YOU want…it’s your car!!!
Robert asks…
What are women really trying to say?
I have had a few relationships in my time. I am still young, mid 20′s. Through the years I have learned it is not hard for me find a girl. Besides the few “serious” relationships, I have had many “flings.” Let me state, that I am not the type of person to rush into things rapidly. Most of the “flings” want to rush things, then end up running to what I call a “fall out” after I say something similiar to this: “Listen I want to get to know you, lets not rush this, I can’t be your friend, but I also can’t be your boyfriend at the moment. I am looking for someone to get to know.” The reason I say these things is because the relationships of my past have always been rushed and usually end (clarification) DO END in failure, because of getting into a relationship and not knowing the person as well as you may think. The “flings” will usually respond by running to someone who they can secure down and strap in. However, this is where translation is needed. 1) They will continue to call/text/IM whatever. 2) They will still continue to want to hang out with me even though I saw them witht he “fall out” and she clearly saw me. 3) I have obviously ignored them they continue to call. 4) I bet you “hook-up” with all the girls. NOTE: I HAVE HEARD #4 MANY TIMES AND THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THING. 5) Some even go to the extreme of “hating” or badgering me when they see me in public. 6) I feel as if though they still like me because their body language still emits it very much, but since I am trying to not rush and have stated this they feel as if they can’t “tame” me. I don’t know. Any advice would be helpful. A 2nd Side NOTE: I am a gentleman, I do treat them with respect as long as I am treated the sameway. I am also a man who stands my ground will I feel as if though someone is trying to take advantage of me. ANY ADVICE IS GREAT. THANKS.
Sue answers:
Be yourself
William asks…
Question for woman that have dated and/or married a military man?
My uncle who is a retired Navy Captain and was stationed in San Diego before retiring was telling the young ladies in our family that are leaving for college this year that if they were to date military men that they shouldn’t waste their time dating enlisted me (unless it’s a NCO).
All of the women I knew that dated military guys out of high school or in their early 20′s all had really bad experiences (excessive drinking, cheating, not attempting to see their kids once the relationship ended).
Is there a basis to this? Is my uncle giving the women good advice?
Sue answers:
Statistically, yes. There is something to say for that. You can never make a blanket statement about everyone, but if you’re trying to play your odds, it’s sound advice.
Before you thumb me down, kids, think about the meaning of the word “statistically.”
EDIT: I should add that I’m married to an Army officer. We know jerks and we know really awesome people. You just have to use your best judgment.
Mary asks…
I have cancer causing HPV and possibly herpes! I HATE MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!?
I gave him my virginity. We were (and are) in love, and he told me he had only been with 3 other girls in a monogamous relationship, and that he always used protection.
He lied. I found out that he had been with more than 30 women. One in their 20′s while he was 14. One 36 year old woman while he was 16. And countless numbers of slutty party girls. He says he did use protection consistently though (but I know that doesn’t always work because there is still genital to genital contact!)
Well I was already in love with him. He has even proposed. He said he would do anything to keep me… I have already had one abnormal pap while dating him. HPV- the cancer causing kind, not the kind that causes warts. The kind that can kill women with deadly ovarian cancer :/
And the past few days have been horrendous. I have just gotten the worst outbreak of genital herpes you can possibly imagine. (I’m pretty sure it’s herpes…) My vagina feels like it’s on fire. I cant sit, walk stand… hell even laying down is painful. Sores and ulcers everywhere! He has only had one cold sore since I’ve known him. And I know what it is, I didn’t think the cold sore virus was that big of a deal… But he’s never mentioned ANY genital herpes to me ever!
What’s worse than the pain is that I feel so betrayed. I waited so long for someone I loved and trusted to give myself to. We’re engaged!!! And right now I feel like I hate him. He lied to me- because he knew I was a good girl and if he had been honest about his past I might have rejected him. He ruined me with not one- but two sexual “problems.” One that can literally kill me and another that causes extreme pain and even worse embarrassment.
I’m not really talking to him right now. I don’t know what to do… Maybe this is none of his fault. Maybe I have no right to be mad at him for screwing around. I’m bothered that he lied too but he came clean. Ugh. I don’t want to be mad at him for GIVING me these issues… but I kind of am!!! I can’t help it! (On top of he fact that we have issues already with his jealousy and some personality factors like him not letting me spend time with friends.) I’m mad at him for causing me so much pain!! It’s just sex and it’s now taking over my life with all the repercussions of a promiscuous life… and it was his life that was promiscuous and not mine!!! Ughghghghghghgh!!!! I didn’t do anything wrong and I got screwed!
It’s the weekend and I can’t make it to any doctor. I don’t know if I can stand another night with this pain! I might just hang my head in shame and visit the Emergency room. I’m so embarrassed. I’m so hurt. I don’t know why this is happening to me! Please can anyone offer advice? Comfort? Any temporary solution to help me out?
And even if I did break it off with him because we cant resolve our issues (aside from the sexual ones that is) no man will want me. I am ruined. I’m even embarrassed to share all this with my boyfriend and he’s the one who gave all of this to me!!! Ugh!
Sue answers:
Well the first thing you need to do is get to a doctor to find out if what you are dealing with is indeed Herpes. It sounds like it, but you never know….I had a friend who had a gigantic rash and she was afraid it was herpes but it turned out to be a nasty fungal infection acquired from a nasty toilet slashing water up on her. But I have genital herpes and that does sound like what the initial outbreak is like. However, many people really do have herpes and they don’t know they have it. So he may not have cheated on you, he may have passed it to you now not knowing that he’s had it for years.
And I know this probably won’t comfort you much, but honestly, herpes is not that bad and 1 out of 4 people has it, so you’re not alone. After my initial outbreak, I never had not one single episode for at least 15 years and just now am having an outbreak after all that time. And this outbreak isn’t even that bad, just 3 blisters. So it’s really not that awful.
Also, HPV causes cervical cancer, NOT ovarian cancer. It also usually resolves itself if you take care of yourself and have a strong immune system. Eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep and I bet you you’ll test negative at your next pap. I had it too, and I actually got to the stage right before cancer, and then it went completely away. Even if it doesn’t go away, as long as it is being monitored closely, you WILL be treated early enough that you will not die from it. There are many effective treatments. Just take care of yourself and follow your doctor’s advice.
I hope that helps.
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